Are You Grieving?

Have you ever experienced loss? I’m not referring to you missing out on a parking space, but I mean genuine loss. The tension of grief has held us all hostage at one point with its all consuming grip. Grief is how we feel internally when we’ve experienced loss on some level. Grief looks different for every single one of us. The deeper the connection, the more we feel the intensity of our loss. Grief is heartbreaking and is a reflection of the connection we’ve lost. Let’s expand our understanding of grief because it‘s so much more than just losing a loved one. Grief can be the following:

•Empty nesters

•Mother’s Day & Father’s Day for those who’ve lost a child, and/or those who’ve lost a parent.

•Miscarriage

•Divorce

•Moving

•Job Termination

•Job or position transition

•Death of a loved one or friend

•Estrangement from family members

•The end of a friendship

•Infertility

•The end of a dating relationship

•Survivor’s remorse

•Watching your child transition to another stage in life, like graduation, college, moving, or getting married.

•Trauma-Grieving the bad things that happened and also the good things that never happened

•The end of a particular season in life.

•A widow or widower who is grieving and also trying to be there for their children or adult children.

The terms grief and mourning are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference between the two. I’ve already defined grief for you, but let’s talk about mourning for a bit. Mourning is the outward expression of our loss. For example, our rituals, customs, and the actions we take. Grief is how we feel as a result of our loss. Depending on your ethnic and cultural background, mourning is going to look different for us all. Many of us don’t know how to grieve, due to us not having a safe space to sit with our emotions and heavy feelings. If this is you, then you’ve probably suppressed your grief, and it has a tendency to show us somatically in your body. That’s right! Believe it or not, grief can show up in your body. When we don’t find healthy outlets for our grief, we’ll start to experience it physically, but the issue with that is, we don’t always make the connection that these physical expressions could be a manifestation of our grief. Grief can show up in the following ways physically:

•Raging anger or guilt

•Feelings of euphoria or depression

•Fatigue or lack of energy

•Irritability

•Overworking or excessive sleeping

•Headaches or stomach aches

•Low energy

If this is you, then you’re in good company and I want you to know that relief from your grief is possible and may be closer than you think.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross started the five stages of grief. Everyone doesn’t move through these fives stages the same, but they are a small sample size of what it looks like when maneuvering through grief. The five stages are as follows:

o DENIAL

o World becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense.

o ANGER

o Is necessary to heal but you have to be willing to feel it.

o BARGAINING

o Ex. Please God, I promise I’ll be a better husband if you spare my wife!”

o DEPRESSION

o Feeling of emptiness on a much deeper level.

o ACCEPTANCE

o Accepting the reality of your loss, while still continuing to grieve.

Grief isn’t something that we get over. Grief is like that house guest that seems very intrusive at first, but after a while, you learn to do life with this individual. However you’re willing to sit with the pain and discomfort of your grief, will determine how hospitable you are to this house guest. As a therapist, I’ve spoken to people who’ve lost family members decades ago, but are still stuck in the grieving process, and have never arrived at a place of acceptance. Like I mentioned earlier, in Elisabeth Ross’ five stages of grief, acceptance doesn’t mean you’ve gotten over your grief, but it’s now a part of your reality. You’re learning to deal with it in a healthy but yet heavy manner.

But with all that being said, what are some ways you can be there for someone who may be grieving? This answer won’t look the same for everyone, since grief is processed differently. I would first ask the bereaved how can I best serve them right now. From there, I would just hold space for them by saying very little but being both emotionally and physically present. The bereaved will need the most support long after the funeral is over. If you’re taking something that the grieving person said or did personally, then maybe you’re not the best candidate to sit with them in their grief. Doing small chores for them like cleaning their house if they’ll allow you to, taking out their trash, bringing them some food and more. Grieving is not linear and shouldn’t be rushed. Try not to use cliché statements that involve a silver lining perspective, such as “at least they’re in a better place.” Although these statements are true, they can be addressed later on when the bereaved is in a much better head space. Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased person around the bereaved, with statements, such as, “Today would have been your mother’s or husband’s 70th birthday.” Remember important dates of the deceased as a way of letting the grieving person know that you are thinking about their loss. Grief support groups can be very therapeutic and healing. Wherever you are in your grieving process, I hope and pray that you will find small pockets of relief to just pause from the internal chaos that comes with loss. Don’t rush your grieving process, but focus on feeling the overwhelming despair of your pain. Grieve in community and not in isolation. It will seem like a lot at first, but with the right support systems in place, you will get through it.

© 2024